I have started this fortnightly blog slot which I’ve called chuckles due to popular demand. A lot of these funnies have been emailed to me through the years and they’ve sat in my inbox. Occasionally I’ve shared them on Facebook and I’ve had a great response. People have told me how much they’ve brightened their day. It was suggested that I blog them so I am. Please note there is no offence meant in any of these jokes, if you take offence then that is because of your outlook, not mine. All I want is to make people laugh, I will never post anything that I think victimises anyone.
A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast?’
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out anyway. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s privates, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on the scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.
“It looks like we have a homicide here,” he reported.
“What happened?” asked the Sergeant.
“A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.” The Sergeant asked, “Have you placed her under arrest?”
“No, sir. The floor is still wet.”
A local Queensland politician boarded an aeroplane in Townsville with a box of frozen mud crabs & asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box & promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
Mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a local Politician, & proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Brisbane, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
“Would the Politician who gave me the crabs in Townsville please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Politicians aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his chum, Keith.
So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed North.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realise it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained and ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ John said.’We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And, if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They then enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John received an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the Edinburgh based solicitor of the attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked,
‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her
your name?’ Keith’s face turned beet red and he said,…….. ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, old mate. I’m afraid I did.” Why do you ask?’
‘Well, she just died and left me everything.’