I have started this fortnightly blog slot which I’ve called chuckles due to popular demand. A lot of these funnies have been emailed to me through the years and they’ve sat in my inbox. Occasionally I’ve shared them on Facebook and I’ve had a great response. People have told me how much they’ve brightened their day. It was suggested that I blog them so I am. Please note there is no offence meant in any of these jokes, if you take offence then that is because of your outlook, not mine. All I want is to make people laugh, I will never post anything that I think victimises anyone.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found
that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up,
driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car.
I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.”
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied,
“Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday;
I was in prison for car theft.” The woman hugged the man again,
sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!”
Six retired Jewish mates were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?”
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you have sex with me?
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I love you so much!”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t”
”I’m begging you…”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it… or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”